| drama at work |
[13 Jul 2009|08:39pm] |
I'm annoyed at work an ex-freind questions other co-workers why they hang around me. Also she supposedly has told people that i introduce myself as in "high Bianca I'm a bitch". So yeah needless to say i want to cut her head off using piano wire or to a lesser extent scratch adulteress on her truck.
See it's like the movie Mean Girls "break Gretchen Meyer..". Gretchen in this case would be Conie. She let spill out all this information about the bitch. That's she's having an affair with a narcotics officer. I didn't ask and didn't care. It just bugs me when she questions other people why they hang out with me. I've never told anyone don't hang around her and don't go off unless someone comments on it. She was bitchy to me. I decided i didn't freinds like that so i don't talk to her. She's made no efforts to apologize or talk to me so screw it. I don't care if she doesn't care. Just stop spreading crap about me. I'm not the office skank.
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| Right |
[27 Jun 2009|01:11am] |
Ok so i leave my MSN and Yahoo messengers on all the time when i'm home until i go to sleep. I'll be doing other stuff and the IMs stay in the background. Once in awhile i'll get a message from someone i deleted awhile ago but somehow they are still able to see when i'm on-line and message me. That was the case tonight.
It was this guy i talked to online but he would always stop mid-conversation and disapear. Tonight i was reading a friend's blog and he IMed me. I knew he didn't remember me so i asked "do i know you" and he said something like "do you have myspace". Ok i'll play this little game. It got old real fast...he gave me his number and told me to call him. And uh why would i want to that. "oh i'll give you a good reason to". Ok so will we talking about existentialism because that's what i want to do. He suggested I go out to the side of town he was at. I said no. He then admitted he was just horny. "Yeah i hear there are prostitutes on cherry street or you can find a skank at CLub Rive". The he told me to stop talking to him and called me a loser. Dude you're the one online IMing total strangers to get sex and that makes me the loser? Right.
Another example of why i think boys are stupid.
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[24 Jun 2009|07:51pm] |
I need to stop feeling sad just because i always have to iniate the conversation with boys. just because they find poker more important than me. I need to look at it liek they weren't worth it anyway.
I just one day wish someone would iniate the contact with me. It would be nice if we could take turns at least. Otherwise I feel like i'm intruding and get the impression that they won't to talk to me and i'm bothering them. And that feeling sucks.
Maybe i'm too insensitive because i cry at the smallest of slights. Particulary when it's from someone i like.
Or maybe it's because i feel incredibly lonely. I don't know.
Today is just a bad day.
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| a note from me to you |
[12 May 2009|01:17am] |
WHile you're in your beds sleeping cozily, possibly next to the sound of breathing and the warm skin of another I am in my bed lying next to a pile of pillows that is ofen cool to the touch. I've managed to simulate the presence of another. But it has no warmth, no one to say "it's going to be ok" when i can't sleep at night. So i'm up typing.
Click, clack. The srpinklers are on outside. I just censored myself for fear of what you might thnink of me. It was about dying and a guinea pig. Never mind.
My life has become weird today. I hit a parked car. Found i didn't care and kept driving. I only hit their bumper, assumed everyone was ok and drove off. Yes i was in rush hour traffic but didn't care. Yell scream, i just don't care at the moment. I found i have not cared a lot or maybe too much about myself. After reading this post you'll swear i was the most self-absorbed brat ever. It's ok- i judge myself as about the same as others do. Yeah i know i'm a bad person.
I've become aware of this lately. I hurt someone i really liked. I apologize over and over again. To no avail. They're mad at me. It hurts me to think i hurt him that much. I just cry. And then i become numb again. I've become a person that survives on caffeine and medication. One pill the lights go on, another pill the lights go down and it's time for beddy-bed time.
I see Dr.M from time to time. He keeps telling me not to beat myself over things i regret that it does no good to feel that way when what's done is done. I have regrets about sex, about the men i date, the career i chose. i have an overwhelming sense of guilt that cycles. No amount of repenting helps- until it just goes away again and everything is numb.
A snippet of Frou Frou singing "God can you hear me?!?". I too often wonder if God hears my prayers. I keep thinking if there's nothing wrong with me then why did all the boys choose someone else? I've been asking most of my adult life "why not me?" And why is it the people that did like me- why did i push them away. Why because they were too close. I had to keep myself protected but failed to do so when it counted.
I'm laying here and wondering why do i hate myself so much. Why do i let people walk over me- mostly men. Did my daddy not love me enough growing up? Truth be told he wishes i were never born. but no that's not the real reason i'm messed up. I think part of it had to do with my best was never good enough so in the end all my accomplishments are shit. Never living up to my full potentional and all that. What is it i'm capable of really? I push papers around on a desk, sign here sign there. Does any of it mean anything? I complain i'm bored all the time.
I know i'm book smart. Yet i can't get into a master's program. they say i need to get into and retkae higher courses but get confused in the details. I've emailed people at the school- but good luck getting a response. So i'm stuck. It's like i see this tangle and try to untangle it but never really do. I feel stupid now. I still don't know what i want to be. Yet i do but am i smart enough for the program. I wish i could be given a chance but i was denied. Dream new dreams and all that crap. We tell kids to reach for their dreams - no one tells you what to do when they say no.
I wonder if i'll ever shake that feeling of not being "enough" ---"good enough" for who? you? them? him?, "smart enough" to feel some level of accomplishment that's never attained.
I keep thinking- is this all there is. Sleep, wake up - go to work, look for something to do, some way to be useful, go home, watch tv, sleep. Monotany. I think that's the word. The years go by, freinds getting married, divorced, remarried. I cry. This is not the way my life is supposed to be. I was supposed to be graduating with a master's, and married. It seems i dreamed my sister's life.
Part of me just wants to sleep the rest of my life. In sleep nothing hurts, there's no tears. Dreaming from time to time but otherwise serene. They say a person has some effect on their circumstances. I think i need a major overhaul.
I'm not quite sure what this post accompishes other than getting the crap inside my head out. Dr. M does not have hours to spend with me only 30 minutes at most. I have the need to be heard is what we established. "God can you hear me?!?".
I wonder what it would be like to be in the hospital again. It was a break from reality. High structured. I was so doped up i could barely stay awake. There's something about not being fully conscious that's appealing. To me at least. No i don't drink much anymore. And yes i'm still on my meds. Maybe they need to increase the dosage. I wonder what my shrink would say if i told her half the things i thought. I wonder what you're thinking if you've read this far? Nope no cause for alarm- just a night awake.
All of this started just because i wanted him to like me because i liked him. That was all. I wanted to see if we could turn into something. And now he can't even think of dating me. Sure i'm good enough to screw but dating that's something else. "well why would you want to be with someone like that". Because he liked me at first and that's what i see when i think of him. the guy that liked me for me. And now that's gone and i can't or won't deal with it. Trying but apparently coming all undone. IF it wasn't this it surely would have been something else that tipped the scales.
i think i'm all undone.
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[25 Apr 2009|01:19am] |
Dear Owen,
I'm sorry for being an ass. I didn't mean to offend you if that's what i did. I'm sorry about the boys are stupid comment. I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. I liked you. I really did. I hope you can accept my apology. I wanted a new friend. I wanted to be your friend. I hope we can work things out.
Did you know i got all dressed up to meet you. I wanted to make a good impression. I failed you. I'm sorry.
I was upset when you blocked me. I cried. I don't have many friends.
I wonder if you were really a nice guy or faking being nice. It doesn't seem like you to meet me and then just delete me. Was i not the right size? Did i not say the right thing? I'm sorry.
I wish you would talk to me and just let me know what went wrong. Please?
-me
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| one down, one gained |
[20 Apr 2009|04:26pm] |
So i'm down one friend. I thought friends were suppposed to be supportive and caring not MEAN. So i now think she's a MEGA-bitch. Friends are concerned and ask "why did you do that" and they hope you learn from your mistakes and agree with you that he was a jerk and go on and on about jerks like that but they don't come out and say "you made it ok for him" when i distinctly remember saying it wasn't ok. They may get mad at you and tell you that you disappointed them or they may think things but not actually say them.
And to the jerk: I belive what goes around comes around. If he doesn't care what he does to people there will be a time will someone will do the same to him in kind. If you use people someone will in turn use you. The simple do unto others as you would have done unto you. A simple rule of life but wise.
I think part of the reason why i did what i did is that part of me thought ok if i do this maybe he'll stick around. I guess i'm desperate to be in a relationship. To feel as if i'm part of something. To have someone that is as happy to see me as i am to see them. I just learned from this not to be so trusting in what people say but pay attention to what they're not saying and what they're doing. Are the quick to recommend sex? or do they ask you questions to get to know you? without so much as asking to meet? are they content to converse about where you see yourself in a few years?
see i now have an aquaintance i guess you would say. We've never met but continue a converation. It's almost like talking to my LJ freinds. We write about the day's events \via email and are content to go through life like that. NO pressure.
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| Bitch |
[20 Apr 2009|09:27am] |
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A freind of mine told me "you allowed him to use you because you made it ok". When did i do that. Funny I never told her when her boyfreind cheated on her the third time "he did it because you made it ok". I have a good mind to tell her something. I probably will later on.
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[14 Apr 2009|11:22pm] |
Dead BD,
You suck. You should have called the next day. It's the polite thing to do. You should stop the charade of impersonating a human being if it's all an act. If you want to spend time with me then spend time with me without the hopes of it ending up the way YOU want things to go. That's not me. That's not what i'm about. I was up front with you on this. Respect that. They sell things for that now - seriously. I ask that you be up front with me and tell me the truth. Don't lead me on. Tell me what's what and where i stand. Don't try to hide it or fake it. If it was all an act the only thing i can say about that is that they don't make soap strong enough.
I'm angry with you at the moment. Just remember what goes around comes around. Yup that's just the way it goes. If you use people then people in turn will use you- that makes me warm and cozy inside.
I shouldn't have to text you- i shouldn't have to work this hard. It shouldn't be this hard. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I know your dad is sick and all but it's not that hard to ask "hey how was your day?". You know to show that you're still "with me" on this. Feeling like your flying solo after what's happened isn't fun at all.
I'm mad at you because i can't sleep and worried what will become of the weekend. It's the not knowing that bugs me. It's the non-communication that gets to me. What happened to the days you use to text every day?
I don't want to hear "next time we'll play playstation". I don't want to play a video game. I want to go out and see a movie or go out to eat. I want to do this because you want to spend time with me not because you think you'll get lucky. Because i'll tell you right now you won't. If you're not ok with that then don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
-me.
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[14 Apr 2009|08:48pm] |
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Sometimes you do things in life that you think are mistakes but then you think hey i have needs. I did one of those mistakes. I only think it's a mistake because i don't know where it's going. However i think if i was just used he should really stop impersonating a human being and if sex was all that he was after I'd like to know. Seriouisly, i will point him in the direction of the store that sells those things.
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| religion |
[10 Apr 2009|07:09pm] |
My parents are born-again Christians. They always go on and on about how i need to turn my life over to God. I belive in God I just don't think i need to be in church every single minute. They want me to "find a husband" at one of the church get-togethers or go to singles groups through church. They don't like my shrinks who tell me i shouldn't do what i don't want to do. Everyone is telling me something. All i really want to do is not have to to church. I feel like a hypocrite when i'm there. like i'm trying to act like i belong when i don't. Some people are weird talking in tongues and things like that and i just want normal. They want me to believe in something. I do. But then they want me to belong- I've never been one to belong if that makes sense. Always in my own little world- sometimes on purpose and sometimes through no fault of my own.
ALL i did is ask my dad if it's ok if i could move back in. My mom was ok with it. My dad had some misgivings about it. I just have to tell myself it's only for like 6 months. I hope.
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| shiny and new |
[10 Apr 2009|03:31pm] |
I think i may have a new freind. I 've decided to forgo the whole dating thing because it's complicated and I don't think that where i'm at in life is really a place where i could have a boyfreind. SO i decided what i really need is a new freind to hang around with. You can never have too many freinds right? His name is Owen - he grew up on a farm in Virginia. We'll see what we have in common. I think having a guy freind would be interesting- besides Travis- there's just something you have in common with with another single person. IF that makes sense. So i'm happy about that.
I sat down yesterday and went through all of my bills and came to the conclusion after all is said and done I only really have $12 to my name per month. It's like "how did that happen". So the decision has been made to move back home for a little while. At least until i can pay off some bills. The hospital bills are a bulk of what's owed. Never ever go to outpatient treatment for alcohol abuse. IT'll eat your pocket book without ketchup.
I figure out with the money i won't be spending on rent or cable or electricity it'll all go to paying the bills and hopefully I'll have everything paid off within 6 months and be able to move into my dream apartment. The one with the fireplace.
At work we move new buildings in about 2 weeks. In July my lease is up. So many moves. Take deep breaths and just go with it.
Good Friday is spent watching A&E and vacuuming.
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[08 Apr 2009|08:31pm] |
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| happy news |
[07 Apr 2009|09:48pm] |
At first i was happy and didn't know why. I had to stop and think "why am i so happy" and then i remembered I lost 4 pounds. It's a struggle but since i'm saving money I don't spend it on so much food crap. No more eating at restaurants. Thursday will be tricky- a lunch with the boss boss. I wonder if he's paying. It's supposed to be at some mexican restauarant. I'm a sucker for enchiladas. I half to figure out what i can eat that won't be too much for me.
I have decided to move back home in July. Most of the time i try to live life like everyone else when people point out I'm not exactly like everyone else. Supposedly i have to march to my own drum. I don't want to live by myself alone. So move back home. At least i tried it.
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| back to school? |
[05 Apr 2009|08:36pm] |
So for the longest time I've wanted to go back to school. I want to get my master's degree but i don't know in what. They're offering a master's in public policy and i could probably get into the program but I'm wondering if that's what i reallly want. I've also wanted to take some classes at the community college to get a certificate in forensics. It's something i've been thinking about.
We'll see.
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| the self-help aisle |
[02 Apr 2009|09:19pm] |
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I've been told to read a self-help book called teh Secret law of attraction. I read it and got some ideas. I't about identifying your needs. like "need for control, need to be heard' and how to get those needs fulfilled yourself so you'll be less needy. Makes sense. I also read another book about not dating Frogs. That was interesting in itself. That is all.
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| awkward depression |
[28 Mar 2009|03:17pm] |
I don't understand why i do the things i do and then I end up feeling guilty, ashamed and sad. I met this guy we messed around- nothing too bad just groping. I woke up this morning and he sent me an email and when i tried to respond i got a message that he blocked me. Ok. I just wish he would have said something to me like "hey it's not going anywhere" instead of just bam "i'm not talking to you anymore or giving you the time of day". Maybe all he was interested in was sex and when he saw he wasn't getting anywhere he lost interest. I encounter a lot of guys like that. It makes me feel about myself. It makes me feel stupid, uninteresting.
It's like i want to tell them these positivge things about myself" i'm smart, funny, sensitive, artistic..but they're not interested in that and I feel bad.
I went on a date with another guy and he wasn't really looking for a girlfreind so i didn't want to keep dating him knowing it wasn't going anywhere. He was a nice guy but a jerk when drunk as he drunkedly texted me "so am i gonna hit it".
So today i feel sad, numb, at my wit's end with dating. I don't thinkj i want to deal with it anymore- too much disappointment. It makes me wonder why can't guys see what i see about myself= the good things, that i'm a good person. Instead they're just interested in using me. I am thankful that I have been smart enough to say no and run away from that sort of thing or things could be a lot worse.
I want a relationship before things get sexual. I want to feel loved and cared for. As of late i feel unloveable. Today i feel an overwhelming sense of sadnesss. I'm not sure if it's depression or not but i found it hard to speak. Maybe it is depression. I went to lunch with my parents and found it hard to talk or smile and i wanted to cry. I just know i'm left with this feeling of weirdnesss, awkwardness of what took place yesterday. He was cute = why did mess around with him when i felt there really was no real significant chemistry. Is this what girls with low-self esteem do for attention from a guy? When did i become that girl?
I also find myself of late thinking of Phillip. Parts of me are mad, parts of me remember the happy times and i remember that and i miss that. I am still left this hurt feeling of why was i not worth an explanation. I've been reading this book that says I have to forgive him - not for him but for myself to move on. I still find it hard to delete his number - it's like by keeping it i'm somehow still conected to him. It's is af i'm still hoping he'll call, text or send a smoke signal. HOw can a person be with you for 6 months and just walk away without so much as a goodbye? I still can't get over it.
I miss simpler times where all i cared about what was on tv that day and going to school. Where the most important thing in my life was going places with my freinds and finding a job.
Now i do the online dating thing because i don't go out much. To date it has somewhat been a waste of time. Get hopes up=- then they come crashing down and i'm left depressed. Today is just a bad day i think- i'm overwhelemed emotionally with various feelings of guilt, regret, sadness, anxiety, fear.
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| Dense |
[21 Mar 2009|05:42pm] |
Today i did the gym for an hour and a half. At first it was hard but by 30 minutes things got easier.
I have figured the whole dating thing is a bunch of crap. So many games. Men like to play them i think and I"m all "get to the point already, you either want to go out with me or you don't". None of this maybe i do or maybe i don't. We'll screw you then. I don't play well with others. I don't have time for this crap.
So far i've met maybe 3 guys like this. One was 24 and the other were older than 26. I mean come on don't you think once you meet a certain age that it's time to stop acting like some douchebag teenager?
Moving on: My mother thinks i hate men. It's not that i hate them just i don't have time for the stupid ones which equates to maybe 75 percent of the men i mean. The 25 percent of men that aren't stupid are either married, engaged or in a relationship. I don't like the ones that act like they aren't players but they are - like i couldn't spot them a mile away. They like to act innocent but they're anything but innocent. I also don't like the ones that keep me waiting or say they'll call and never do. Where i come you do what you say and mean what you say. One of them told me he was just busy and to give people the benefit of the doubt. In my head i was thinking "you're so not worth it".
My freinds tell me to be passive. to let the guy seek me out. Done it and tried it. I've come to the conclusion that men are dense creatures. I'm the aggressive one and have been told it's a turn-off. Apparently they don't like strong women. I learned in the past being passive didn't get me anywhere. Being humble and meek didn't get me anywhere just passed up. I thank my job to giving me backbone- to showing me i had it in me to be demanding, to be in your face, a no nonsenese type. I guess you could say it taught me how to be your typical gender role of a man. At times i think i'm more "manlier" than my brothers.
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| stolen from rtfm |
[15 Mar 2009|09:37pm] |
They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
Post a picture in my comments of what you think describes me when you think about what/who I am.
Give no written explanation though. Just an image.
Macros are ok :)
Copy and paste into your own journal and see what others think about you in pictures!
1, 2, 3, go!
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| half-ton |
[15 Mar 2009|09:30pm] |
I'm watching this show on Discovery Health about these really really morbidly obese people that weight more than 500lbs where they have to cut out parts of the wall to get them out. It makes me wonder how does a person get that big and still live. Like wouldn't their internal organs just be crushed?
This one guy is 1,030 pounds.
It's a motivator in a weird way- something i don't want to become.
My biggest fear isn't dying it's of being fat. I'm living my fear at 182 pounds. I use to be 194. I asked freinds "when you saw me gaining the weight why didn't you say anything". I'm about as pissed at myself as I am at them. They said it's not polite. But if you see someone that's doing something that endangers their health you'd tell them to stop wouldn't you. So now i'm at risk for Diabetes 2 and heart disease.
I've always been disgusted with overweight people. I always thought they were just lazy and had no willpower. I can tell you from experience it's that and more. It's the comfort you find in a food, the way to fill boredom, something to replace the feeling of lonliness or everything you hate about yourself. It's inactivity. It's the not eating right. It's age. It's the drop in metabolism that comes with that age. A bit of it came from the sense of hunger that came from meds. It's the why bother to maintain a certain look or way of being when no one else cares. A
I don't want to end up bed-bound. So little by little i'm trying to lose the weight i gained. Low-calorie diets, nothing more than 1000 calories. THe cutting out of soda. The going to the gym - attmpeting to go 3 times a week. It's slow and i hate it. I'm the type to want results now. The scale says i've lost weight - i don't see it. My clothes still say x-large or large. I use to be a medium.
Apparently the way a person gets that big is eating 2 weeks of food at one time.
I'll admit at a time i was eating 2 burgers at one time. Eating half a large pizza at one time. Eating for me gave me a sense of happyness. Food tasted good- going out to restaurants gave me something to do. It was something i could do by myself that got me out of the house.
Oddly enough the opposite sex made me want to lose weight. I realized that dating a blind guy was perfect because he didn't care what i looked like and i could keep doing what i was doing because he didn't care. Now though when trying to date i realize men are visual creatures. I base my interest in men in how smart AND attractive to me they are. I'm not attracted to men with a few pounds- the opposite-skinny to average men. I have it in my head that those types of men aren't into women that look like me. Though i don't know if i look chubby or average to them. Co-workers say i look avergae but i feel fat. Strange as it is I imagine sex with a male and the look of disgust they would have if they saw me naked. It's a huge motivator. I mean i don't even like the way i look naked. TMI that i should probably reserve for my shrink.
I need to get my diet in order: I need to exercise more. I need to get out of the house and into the gym more. My plan of action now is to wake up early in the morning and go to the gym. Let's see if i can do it.
So in the future this blog will be more of a journal of the mission to lose weight. That being said i have to pack my gym bag for the morning.
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| disappearing act |
[14 Mar 2009|09:43pm] |
Someone asked me about Phillip the other day and that made me go into a weird mode when i was mad and sad at the same time. He's disappeared from on-line ontogether. I wrote him an email where i told him what he did was wrong and i hoped he was as miserable as i was. I just want him to be in the same place he left. I want someone to do to him what he did to me so he can know what it feels like.
Part of me does worry that maybe he is feeling like shit..and then i feel bad that i want him to feel like shit. Just for awhile. Like maybe a day.
With people that have died it's like you don't feel like you should be angry about the things they did when they were alive becuase what good does that anger do. It still makes me sad. I still can't erase his number from my phone. I don't call it. LIke in some way that keeps me still bonded with him. Because it's his number. I don't know if i'll ever see it on my screen again. I hope i do. I imagine if he tried to get into contact with me- I'd initially be mad, then aad and then i could forgive. I'd ask why he did that- why he pushed me away. I think back to the very beginning how he said he could do that to people -walk away and not care.
In other news there are new guys i'm talking to. One is involved in computeres, he's younger than me. Has my number but doesn't call. I have his and have called and texted and now he says i'm being too aggressive. so when you said call me at any time you didn't mean that. He said it was a turnoff when i would get annoyed that he did not call everyday. That's how he first started. and now it feels like he's losing intereste. I want to know so i can walk away first. i solved the problem. I deleted his texts and his number. He can contact me if he wants. i have stopped now. Boys are stupid.
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